The Joke Thread

[vabarber2]

Originally Posted by OTB

NEVER CHOKE IN A RESTAURANT IN THE SOUTH



Two Virginia hillbillies walk into a Dairy Queen. While having a couple of Blizzards, they talk privately about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, eating a Coney dog, begins to cough. After a while, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, "Kin ya swallar?"

The woman shakes her head no. "Kin ya breathe?" The woman begins to turn blue, eyes widen and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly strolls over to the woman, lifts up the back of
her dress, yanks down her drawers and quickly gives her right butt cheek a long lick with his tongue.

The woman is so shocked that she has a violent spasm and the obstruction flies out of her mouth. She begins to breathe again.

The hillbilly ambles smugly back to his table.

His buddy says, "Ya know, I'd heerd of that there 'Hind Lick Maneuver', but I ain't never seed nobody do it."

Wait a minute! Im from VA!!! We make the same joke, but say WEST Virginia!!!!

[Mr Lefty]

We were dressed and ready to go out to a party. We
turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our
pet parakeet, and put the cat in the backyard.

We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi
arrived, and we opened the front door to leave the house.
The cat we put out in the yard scooted back into the house. We didn't
want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the
bird.

My wife went out to the taxi, while I went inside to get the cat. The
cat ran upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife
didn't want the driver to know that the house would be empty for the
night, so she explained to the taxi driver that I would be out soon.
"He's just going upstairs to say good-by to my mother."

A few minutes later, I got into the cab. "Sorry I took so long," I
said, as we drove away. "That stupid witch was hiding under the bed. I
had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried
to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then I had to wrap her in a
blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her
fat butt downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"

The cab driver hit a parked car.




Another



Lawyers should never ask a Mississippi grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.


In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realize you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you.

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?'

She again repli ed, ' Why ye s, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'

The defense attorney nearly died.


The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair..'

[Mr Lefty]

David the hen


David came home from the pub late one Friday evening stinking
drunk, as he often did, and crept into bed beside his wife who was
already asleep.

He gave her a peck on the cheek and fell asleep. When he awoke, he
found a strange man standing at the end of his bed. 'Who the hell are
you?', demanded David, 'and what are you doing in my bedroom ?'

The mysterious man answered, 'This isn't your bedroom and I'm St Peter.'

David was stunned. 'You mean I'm dead !!! That can't be, I have so much
to live for - and I haven't said goodbye to my family. . . You've got
to send me back straight away.'

St Peter replied, 'Yes, you can be reincarnated but there is a catch.
We can only send you back as a dog or a hen.'

David was devastated, but knowing there was a farm not far from his
house, he asked to be sent back as a hen.

A flash of light later, he was covered in feathers and clucking
around, pecking the ground.

'This ain't so bad', he thought until he felt this strange feeling
welling up inside him. The farmyard rooster strolled over and said,
'So you're the new hen, How are you enjoying your first day here ?'

'It's not so bad', replies David, 'but I have this strange feeling
inside like I'm about to explode.'

'You're ovulating', explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never
laid an egg before.'

'Never', replies David.

'Well just relax and let it happen'.

And so he did and after a few uncomfortable seconds later, an egg pops
out from under his tail. An immense feeling of relief swept over him
and his emotions got the better of him as he experienced motherhood
for the first time.

When he laid his second egg, the feeling of happiness was overwhelming
and he knew that being reincarnated as a hen was the best thing that
ever happened to him . Ever!!!

The joy kept coming and as he was just about to lay his third egg, he
felt an enormous smack on the back of his head and heard his wife
shouting...

'David, wake up, you drunken bastard. You've shit the bed !!'

[azoomm]

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.
"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me give you an example. Do you own a weedeater?"

"I sure do." "Then I can assume, using logic, that you have a yard," replied the professor.

"That's real good!" says the redneck. The professor continues, "Logic will also tell me that since you have a yard, you also own a house."

Impressed, the redneck says, "Amazin!" "And since you own a house, logic dictates that you have a wife."

"That's Betty Mae! This is incredible!" The redneck is obviously catching on.

"Finally, since you have a wife, logically I can assume that you are heterosexual," said the professor.

"You're absolutely right! Why that's the most fascinatin' thing I ever heard! I cain't wait to take that logic class!!"

The redneck, proud of the new world opening up to him, walks back into the hallway, where his friend is still waiting.

"So what classes are ya takin'?" asks the friend. "Math, History, and Logic!" replies the first redneck.

"What in tarnation is logic???" asked his friend. "Let me give you an example. Do ya own a weedeater?" asked the first redneck.

"No," his friend replied.

"Fag! Queer!"

[marko138]

[Carolina]

One day this fellow noticed that a new couple had moved into the house next door. He was also quick to notice that the woman liked to sunbathe in the backyard, usually in a skimpy bikini that showed off a magnificent pair of breasts. He made it a point to water and trim his lawn as much as possible, hoping for yet another look. Finally, he could stand it no more. Walking to the front door of the new neighbor's house, he knocked and waited. The husband, a large, burly man, opened the door. "Excuse me," our man stammered, "but I couldn't help noticing how beautiful your wife is." "Yeah? So?" his hulking neighbor replied. "Well, in particular, I am really struck by how beautiful her breasts are. I would gladly pay you ten thousand dollars if I could kiss those breasts." The burly gorilla was about to deck our poor guy when his wife appeared and stopped him. She pulled him inside and they discussed the offer for a few moments. Finally, they returned and asked our friend to step inside. "OK," the husband said gruffly, "for ten thousand dollars you can kiss my wife's tits." At this, the wife unbuttoned her blouse, and the twin objects of desire hung free at last. Our man took one in each hand, and proceeded to rub his face against them in total ecstasy. This went on for several minutes, until the husband got annoyed. "Well, come on already, kiss 'em!" he growled. "I can't," replied our awe-struck hero, still nuzzling away. "Why not?" demanded the husband, getting really angry now. "I don't have ten thousand dollars."

[Mr Lefty]

[Gunther1000]

Military Sensitivity Training








Marine Corps Rules:
1. Be courteous to everyone, friendly to no one.
2. Decide to be aggressive enough, quickly enough.
3. Have a plan.
4. Have a back-up plan, because the first one probably won't work.
5. Be polite. Be professional. But, have a plan to kill everyone you meet.
6. Do not attend a gunfight with a handgun whose caliber does not start with a '4.'
7. Anything worth shooting is worth shooting twice. Ammo is cheap. Life is expensive.
8. Move away from your attacker. Distance is your friend. (Lateral & diagonal preferred.)
9. Use cover or concealment as much as possible.
10. Flank your adversary when possible. Protect yours.
11. Always cheat; always win. The only unfair fight is the one you lose.
12. In ten years nobody will remember the details of caliber, stance, or tactics. They will only remember who lived.
13. If you are not shooting, you should be communicating your intention to shoot.


Navy Seals Rules:
1. Kill every living thing within view.



US Army Rangers Rules:
1. Walk in 50 miles wearing 75-pound napsack while starving.
2. Locate individuals requiring killing.
3. Request permission via radio from 'Higher' to perform killing.
4. Curse bitterly when mission is aborted.
5. Walk out 50 miles wearing a 75-pound napsack while starving.


US Army Rules:
1. Curse bitterly when receiving operational order.
2. Make sure there is extra ammo and extra coffee.
3. Curse bitterly.
4. Curse bitterly.
5. Do not listen to 2nd Lts; it can get you killed.
6. Curse bitterly.


US Air Force Rules:
1. Have a cocktail.
2. Adjust temperature on air-conditioner.
3. See what's on HBO.
4. Ask 'What is a gunfight?'
5. Request more funding from Congress with a 'killer' Power Point presentation.
6. Wine & Dine ''key' Congressmen, invite DOD & defense industry executives.
7. Receive funding, set up new command and assemble assets.
8. Declare the assets 'strategic' and never deploy them operationally.
9. Hurry to make 13:45 tee-time.
10. Make sure the base is as far as possible from the conflict but, close enough to have tax exemption.



US Navy Rules:
1. Go to Sea.
2. Drink Coffee.
3. Deploy Marines
Go Navy!

And the next... (You've got to love the military, and God bless them all.)


U.S.Navy Directive 16134 (Inappropriate T-Shirts)
The following directive was issued by the commanding officer of all naval installations in the Middle East .
(It was obviously directed at the Marines.)

To: All Commands
Subject: Inappropriate T-Shirts
Ref: ComMidEast For Inst 16134//24 K
All commanders promulgate upon receipt.

The following T-shirts are no longer to be worn on or off base by any military or civilian personnel serving in the Middle East :

1. 'Eat Pork or Die'
[both English and Arabic versions]

2. 'Shrine Busters'
[Various. Show burning minarets or bomb/artillery shells impacting Islamic shrines. Some with unit logos.]

3. 'Napalm, Sticks Like Crazy'
[Both English and Arabic versions]

4. 'Goat - it isn't just for breakfast any more.'
[Both English and Arabic versions]

5.'The road to Paradise begins with me.'
[Mostly Arabic versions, but some in English. Some show sniper scope cross hairs.]

6. 'Guns don't kill people. I kill people.'
[Both Arabic and English versions]

7. 'Pork. The other white meat.'
[Arabic version]

8. 'Infidel'
[English, Arabic and other coalition force languages.]

The above T-shirts are to be removed from Post Exchanges upon receipt of this directive.
In addition, the following signs are to be removed upon receipt of this message:

1. 'Islamic Religious Services Will Be Held at the Firing Range at 0800 Daily.
2. 'Do we really need 'smart bombs' to drop on these dumb bastards?'

All commands are instructed to implement "Sensitivity Training" upon receipt.

[Gunther1000]

LIE DETECTOR!



John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick.

His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change.

One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases.

It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector.



It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy,

Their 11 year old son, returned home from school.

Tommy was over 2 hours late.



'Where have you been?

Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?' asked John.



'Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project,' said Tommy.



The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy,

Knocking him completely out of his chair.



'Son,' said John,

'this robot is a lie detector, now tell us where you really were after school.'



'We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie.' said Tommy.



'What did you watch?' asked Marsha.



'The Ten Commandments.' answered Tommy.



The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him,

Knocking him off his chair once more.



With his lip quivering, Tommy got up,

Sat down and said, 'I am sorry I lied.

We really watched a tape called Sex Queen.'



'I am ashamed of you son,' said John.

'When I was your age, I never lied to my parents.'



The robot then walked around to John

And delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.



Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears and said,

'Boy, did you ever ask for that one!

You can't be too mad with Tommy.

After all, he is your son!'



With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha

And knocked her out of her chair.

[marko138]