Today's Funny - Page 3

CasterTroy · 12-14-2009, 10:11 AM

My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door."

At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke."

Particle Man · 12-14-2009, 10:19 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door."

At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke."

I'm going to hell for laughing at that

marko138 · 12-14-2009, 10:21 AM

Quote:

Originally Posted by CasterTroy

My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt."

I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply.

He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt."

I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything.

He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door."

At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke."

More like "Today's Unfunny"

racedoll · 12-14-2009, 10:06 PM

One for today....

Best "Out of Office" Automatic Email Replies:

1. "I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood."

2. "You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all."

3. "Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team."

4. "I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received."

5. "Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message."

6. "The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again." (The beauty of this one is that when you return,you can see who did this over and over and over...)

7. "Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks."

8. "Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response."

9. "I've run away to join a different circus."

10. "I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Kenny."

wildchild · 12-15-2009, 08:28 AM

#6 would be fun to try. I bet we have a couple here who would retry a couple times.

CasterTroy · 12-15-2009, 09:52 AM

Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems.

One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him.

A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?'

Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.'

'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?'

'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?'

'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?'

'Well, she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court - I pled 'guilty.'

'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury

marko138 · 12-15-2009, 09:55 AM

Nice.

CasterTroy · 12-15-2009, 10:45 AM

If Santa answered his mail honestly...

Dear Santa
I wood like a cool toy space ranjur
fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer
Frend, BiLLy

Dear Billy,
Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about
I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and
write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can
spell!
Santa

Dear Santa,
I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing
I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love,
Sarah

Dear Sarah,
Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't
they? Santa

Dear Santa,
I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy
and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can
do? Love, Teddy

Dear Teddy,
Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane.
Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to
your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that
dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. Santa

Dear Santa,
I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum
kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis

Dear Francis,
Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up
with a Barbie. Santa

Dear Santa,

I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for
your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan

Dear Susan,
Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when
riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a
bottle of scotch. Santa

Dear Santa,
What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys?
Your friend, Thomas

Dear Thomas,
All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami, where I
spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by
drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while
losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa

Dear Santa,
Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're
awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica

Dear Jessica,
Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever
you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa

Dear Santa,
I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE
could I have one?
Timmy

Timmy,
That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but
that crap doesn'twork with me. You're getting a sweater again.
Santa

Dearest Santa,
We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home?
Love,
Marky

Mark,
First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass
whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent
apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman
does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams,
Santa

Particle Man · 12-15-2009, 01:50 PM

Santa vs. system admins

The similarities between Santa and System Admins

1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny.
2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal.
3. Santa seldom answers your mail.
4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me."
5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines.
6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves.
7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions.
8. Santa laughs entirely too much.
9. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence

Particle Man · 12-15-2009, 01:54 PM

News Years Resolutions over the years

* * 2003: I will get my weight down below 180.
* * 2004: I will watch my calories until I get below 190.
* * 2005: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200.
* * 2006: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
* * 2007: I will work out 5 days a week.
* * 2008: I will work out 3 days a week.
* * 2009: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.

12-14-2009, 10:11 AM	#21
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	My aunt has a son Steve with Tourettes. I don't see them very often but I paid them a visit last Sunday. Steve and I were sitting in the living room waiting for my aunty to bring in some tea when all of a sudden he looked at me and said "Open the door you cunt." I felt a little bit embarrassed and did not reply. He said again "Open the fucking door you useless cunt." I began to feel completely awkward and did not have a clue how I should respond so just pretended I did not hear him say anything. He started getting agitated and piped up "You useless cunt open the fucking door." At which point to my relief my aunt came into the room and said "Don't worry dear, he's just trying to tell you a knock knock joke." __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-15-2009, 09:52 AM	#26
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	Bill and Sam, two elderly friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Bill didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Bill hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Bill lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Bill. But one day, Sam approached the park and -- lo and behold! --there sat Bill! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud Bill, what in the world happened to you?' Bill replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail?' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?' 'Well,' Bill said, 'you know Mary, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometime go?' 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her?' 'Well, she filed rape charges against me; and, at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court - I pled 'guilty.' 'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-15-2009, 10:45 AM	#28
CasterTroy ................ Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: NC Posts: 3,028	If Santa answered his mail honestly... Dear Santa I wood like a cool toy space ranjur fer Xmas. Iv ben a gud boy all yeer yer Frend, BiLLy Dear Billy, Nice spelling. You're on your way to a career in lawn care. How about I send you a friggin' book so you can learn to read and write? I'm giving your older brother the space ranger. At least HE can spell! Santa Dear Santa, I have been a good girl all year, and the only thing I ask for is peace and joy in the world for everybody! Love, Sarah Dear Sarah, Your parents smoked pot when they had you, didn't they? Santa Dear Santa, I don't know if you can do this, but for Christmas, I'd like for my mommy and daddy to get back together. Please see what you can do? Love, Teddy Dear Teddy, Look, your dad's banging the babysitter like a screen door in a hurricane. Do you think he's gonna give that up to come back to your frigid mom, who rides his ass constantly? It's time to give up that dream. Let me get you some nice Lego's instead. Santa Dear Santa, I want a new bike, a Play station, a train, some G.I. Joe's, a dog, a drum kit, a pony and a tuba. Love, Francis Dear Francis, Who names their kid "Francis" nowadays? I bet you're gay, I'll set you up with a Barbie. Santa Dear Santa, I left milk and cookies for you under the tree, and I left carrots for your reindeer outside the back door. Love, Susan Dear Susan, Milk gives me the runs and carrots make the deer fart in my face when riding in the sleigh. You want to do me a favor? Leave me a bottle of scotch. Santa Dear Santa, What do you do the other 364 days of the year? Are you busy making toys? Your friend, Thomas Dear Thomas, All the toys are made in China. I have a condo in Miami, where I spend most of my time making low-budget porno films. I unwind by drinking myself silly and squeezing the asses of cocktail waitresses while losing money at the craps table. Hey, you wanted to know. Santa Dear Santa, Do you see us when we're sleeping, do you really know when we're awake, like in the song? Love, Jessica Dear Jessica, Are you really that gullible or are you just a Blonde? Good luck in whatever you do. I'm skipping your house. Santa Dear Santa, I really really want a puppy this year. Please please please PLEASE PLEASE could I have one? Timmy Timmy, That whiney begging shit may work with your folks, but that crap doesn'twork with me. You're getting a sweater again. Santa Dearest Santa, We don't have a chimney in our house, how do you get into our home? Love, Marky Mark, First, stop calling yourself "Marky", that's why you're getting your ass whipped at school. Second, you don't live in a house, you live in a low-rent apartment complex. Third, I get inside your pad just like the boogeyman does, through your bedroom window. Sweet Dreams, Santa __________________ “Being tolerant does not mean that I share another one’s belief. But it does mean that I acknowledge another one’s right to believe, and obey, his own conscience.” Viktor Frankl

12-15-2009, 01:50 PM	#29
Particle Man Custom User Title Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Central NY Moto: 2003 SV650S Posts: 14,959	Santa vs. system admins The similarities between Santa and System Admins 1. Santa is bearded, corpulent, and dresses funny. 2. When you ask Santa for something, the odds of receiving what you wanted are infinitesimal. 3. Santa seldom answers your mail. 4. When you ask Santa where he gets all the stuff he's got, he says, "Elves make it for me." 5. Santa doesn't care about your deadlines. 6. Your parents ascribed supernatural powers to Santa, but did all the work themselves. 7. Nobody knows who Santa has to answer to for his actions. 8. Santa laughs entirely too much. 9. Only a lunatic says bad things about Santa in his presence __________________ I'm not "fat." I'm "Enlarged to show texture." Handle every stressful situation like a DOG: If you can't eat it or hump it, pi$$ on it & walk away.

12-15-2009, 01:54 PM	#30
Particle Man Custom User Title Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: Central NY Moto: 2003 SV650S Posts: 14,959	News Years Resolutions over the years * * 2003: I will get my weight down below 180. * * 2004: I will watch my calories until I get below 190. * * 2005: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200. * * 2006: I will try to develop a realistic attitude about my weight. * * 2007: I will work out 5 days a week. * * 2008: I will work out 3 days a week. * * 2009: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week. __________________ I'm not "fat." I'm "Enlarged to show texture." Handle every stressful situation like a DOG: If you can't eat it or hump it, pi$$ on it & walk away.

12-14-2009, 10:06 PM	#24
racedoll AMA Supersport Join Date: Nov 2008 Moto: '04 Kawasaki ZX6RR Posts: 3,392	One for today.... Best "Out of Office" Automatic Email Replies: 1. "I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Please be prepared for my mood." 2. "You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I were in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all." 3. "Sorry to have missed you, but I'm at the doctor's having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team." 4. "I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation. Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order It was received." 5. "Thank you for your email. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message." 6. "The email server is unable to verify your server connection. Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again." (The beauty of this one is that when you return,you can see who did this over and over and over...) 7. "Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks." 8. "Hi, I'm thinking about what you've just sent me. Please wait by your PC for my response." 9. "I've run away to join a different circus." 10. "I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as Lucille instead of Kenny."

12-15-2009, 08:28 AM	#25
wildchild cruiser Join Date: Nov 2008 Location: on the run Moto: '09 HD superglide, 16 Yamaha FZ 09 Posts: 2,749	#6 would be fun to try. I bet we have a couple here who would retry a couple times.