IMS show at Long Beach test ride review - Aprilia SXV 5.5 Supermoto

[fnfalman]

At the risk of sounding like an internet emo, but I just have to say, "OMFG!!!"

If you think that riding a Jap liter superbike is extreme, then you better rethink and go find a test ride on this Extreme Machine. Holy Macaroni and Cheese, Batman!!!

This bike scares me shitless. I came back from the demo ride don't know whether or not I've shat in my pants or busted a nut, or BOTH!!! I stepped off the bike, knees buckling, stumbled to the Aprilia control riders and just shook my head, mumbling something about "me luv u too boocoo long time". They laughed and the lead rider told me to take my gloves off. I did and my hands were shaking from the experience. It was that intense. It was like getting fucked by a nymphomaniac dominatrix. Total and utter mind blowing.

How hot is this bike? Let's just say that if Buddha were to appear right now to give me the choice of either taking an SXV 5.5 and flock it at any race track I want for the whole day or make mad, unbridled jungle love to the exquisite and delectable Rae for the whole day...with all due respect to Rae's heavenly attributes, I'd take the SXV for the day

I'm having an orgasm right now reliving the moment. But let's throw down some things more concrete than sheer hyperboles:

1. Acceleration - how do I put this in a context that we can relate to? THAT MOFO WANTED TO YANK MY ARMS OUT OF MY SHOULDER SOCKETS!!! Literally. I parked my fat ass on the fuel tank and whacked the throttle open. The bike surged forward so fast that I felt my arms yanked from my shoulder. So, I did it again...again...again...again...again...harder, faster, harder, faster!!! Slamming through the gears like I would be pistoning my cock in Jenna Jameson's asshole. V-twin howling, exhaust blaring, my eyes blurring, my chocolate starfish puckered tighter than a frog's ass underwater.

2. Top speed - somewhere north of The Ton. It doesn't sound fast but when you're on a bucking bronco, front wheel squirming for stability, and it's still pulling, with your whole body weight on the fuel tank, bent forward into the wind. I darted an eyeball down to the dash that was partially obscured by the hoses and saw 10,000-RPM and 1XX-something. Then my head was up again, seeing the lead rider on the Mille braking hard for a right turn exit...

3. Brake - If you think that the Ducati 1098's monobloc brakes are powerful, think again. ONE FINGER on this thing and a heavy stab of the rear brake brought the bike to a shuddering halt. The bike didn't do an endo, but I felt like I was going to fly forward even though my thighs gripped the seat for all it was worth. I braked so hard that I misjudged the distance and shed too much speed.

4. Handling - so there I was, stalling into a right hander because I didn't have a chance to downshift, trying to hold onto the bike and keep myself from flying forward. Cranked that mutha over, right foot instinctively went out (not because I was cool but because the bike just about stalled out), clutch in (smooth, not too light, not too heavy), banged down the gears, yanked on the throttle, rear sliding out, eyes glued through the turn, hoping that if I were to crash, the Cortech riding jean would mitigate some damage (I was cussing myself for not wearing full leathers at this point). Upshift to second and stood the bike up, short shifted to 3rd gear and engine braked to catch my breath. Then a left 90 degree at the next block and some acceleration through a left sweeper than on the freeway again for some eyeball popping acceleration then another exit ramp through a left-right chicane.

5. Suspension - some squats and dives on accelerations and initial braking but otherwise, very tight setup. Very unlike most other motards, vaunted KTM included. You feel very in control with great feedback.

6. Overall rideability - surprisingly enough, doesn't seem to be as wheelie-prone as the KTM 690 SMC but that's good because the force translated into straight line acceleration instead of vertical acceleration. Doesn't take much for vertical movement either though, I can tell. The seat is might as well be a plank of 4x4 lumber. Ass hurt after 5-minutes in the saddle. Progressive clutch action. Not much of brake feedback; on or off, your choice. Throttle response is also quite good for a race bike, not glitchy at all, but it's best to pin it and pray to your favored god/goddess. Remember how in those old black&white swordfighting movies with the swordsmen flicking their epees so fast and cutting everything up to ribbons? That's what this thing does to curves. AND it has power to satisfy.

This thing is barely street legal. It's is without apologies an all out race bike.

Don't ask me about maintenance interval or engine reliability or cheap prices. Gas mileage? Bah! Range? Who gives a pile of elephant dung? If those are your concerns, this bike ain't for you.

I'm so tempted to buy one up right now, but I have to ask myself what the hell I'm gonna do with it other than killing myself.

This machine is utterly and magnificently INSANE!!!